The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
