seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
