I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
