My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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