Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
