I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't think brook has ever known best
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
