hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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