Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she peed on how many people?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
