This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
