Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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