Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
