I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
