We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
