Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
