If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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