Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
