i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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