bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i love accidental penises.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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