There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
