can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
