Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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