i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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