i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
