Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
