There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
