What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
