no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I wear drunk well.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
