There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
