Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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