I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize