you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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