You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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