Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
