she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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