return my video game
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
