Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
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I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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