So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Randomize
