they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That accounts for only three of the penises
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
