My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
