I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
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Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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