Do you still have your period?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
