Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
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DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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