omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
