I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
