Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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