Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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