i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude i'm inner monologue high
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
