Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
