I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Who died my cat blue again?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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