Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Randomize
