Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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