i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
