Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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